Today while doing some light internet browsing I turned on my television to reveal a classic: Snow White, and the seven gross middle aged bearded midgets. Now thinking about it, it didn't seem bad at the time. It's a classic, right? Well apparently I tuned in at the exactly wrong instance. I joined our favorite not-quite-a-Disney-Prince Princes while they were innocently singing about their commute to their mountain quarry vocation. ("Hi-Ho Hi-Ho it's off to work we go.") All seemed fine until a seemingly not-pretty and barely -innocent-looking old door to door apple saleswoman showed up. (Sweet muffins! I love adjectives!)
This saleswoman has some extremely bad sales techniques including scaring unaccompanied forest dwellers, faking heart issues, entering homes, and not taking no for an answer , false advertising her apples, and not taking no for an answer. Let's not forget the rest of her disturbing persona. Can you imagine a scarier face. I swore she was about to pull a bingo card out from under one of those ridiculous wrinkles. I mean come on lady. This is why Botox was invented, not for over-payed celebrities who would like to retain their youthful facial appearances, (That's right I'm looking at you Joan Rivers) but for keeping creepers like you out of our nightmares. You terrified me as a little kid, and you still terrify me now. Look you even scare kind unrealistic forest animals. Just. Disturbing.
So after an a pathetic failed attempt of the aforementioned forest animals to save their friend this saleswoman commits the fraud of convincing the unsuspecting Snow White that eating one of her products that will supposedly help her prince to fall in love with her, and live happily ever after. No matter how terrible it is to do that to an innocent forest Girl, I have to say Snow White is the most Gullible and most certainly not the brightest of the Disney Princesses. Come on. Who has ever heard of a wishing apple? I partially think she deserved the plight she received, which was the equivalent of 50 pounds of anesthesia down her throat.
As if it wasn't bad enough that this evil wicked queen gone geriatric killed Snow White, Snow White's little gnome dwarf thing buddies had to go drive her off a grotesque cliff.
Guess what it all gets better though. Snow white is put into a solid gold and glass coffin the gnome things build for her. Isn't that just lovely. I bet that's one of the perks of working in their mines: you can bury your dead in 50 lbs of pure bling. But on the other hand that's disgusting. If someone digs their 500 years later, they'll find a skeleton in a dress staring at them. Yeah well I'm so glad they never actually buried her.
They never had to because of good old prince charming who she probably met on E-harmony. Mr. Prince Pants came to pay his respects and gave her a final kiss. Apparently this kiss was either some sort of new cpr or used magic to bring her back. Well good thing this was a fairy tale cause if I kissed some dead and she came to life in my face I'd lose my lunch all over her no longer dead facial mass, much less take her on my horse to my castle in awesomeland.
I hate this gross story. Goodbye.
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